It’s been two months since my last relationship ended. The bastard broke up with me over text saying “I don’t want to do this anymore” he claimed he was afraid of hurting me. Two weeks after that, I saw him kissing Mayowa Williams, who had won Miss UNILAG earlier in the year. They were openly eating each other out by the lagoon front. That guy is a dead man walking. If I ever forgive him in this life or the next, make I bend.
To be honest, this single life takes some getting used to after you’ve been used to expensive dates and “good morning” texts for so long. After the tears stop rolling down your face, you realize that you’re better off without your ex and the boy was even an olodo from the beginning. You start to see his flaws and all the ugly parts, and you’re convinced you’ve dodged a dirty, lying narcissistic bullet.
But Omo the worst parts are yet to come.
I’ll explain how. I was walking down the road a few weeks ago. I had just come back from an evening lecture and I was approaching the entrance of “new hall” where my hostel was. There were students milling about the place, different canteens and kiosks were still open and everything seemed normal. Until I noticed a man looking at me from the door of a particular canteen not so far away.
The man looked old, too old. If it had been another student I would’ve just hissed and kept on walking, but I was convinced that this man wasn’t a student. He was short, fair skinned and in a starched polo shirt that made him look pregnant somehow. He had a golden chain on his neck like he was trying to fit into the cool crowd but failing woefully. I started to walk faster.
But unfortunately, that only motivated him to start walking after me. And I could only walk so fast before I started to look like I was running. So, he caught up with me and I tried not to grimace. He smiled, a smile he probably thought was cute, but it only exposed his yellowish teeth.
“Hey beauriful.” He said. I just stared at him with a deadpan expression waiting for him to get the message. Not interested.
“I’m in a hurry please.” I sighed trying to bypass him, but he stepped in front of me.
“Wait na,” he said, “I only want to ask the beautiful young lady a question. Can I please have your numbur.”
With the way he said number, it sounded like he was trying way too hard to have an American accent. I sighed in annoyance and was about to give him my number just to get him off my back. I figured I could always block him later. But then, I noticed the ring on his finger.
“I wonder what your wife would think about this.” I said disdainfully.
“She doesn’t mind.” He said, “I take care of all of my women.”
I hissed and pushed past him, marching away. I’d be damned if I gave my number to a crazy man who had no respect for his wife.
If you think that’s bad, wait till you hear about the third wheeling.
Andrea, Tunde and I used to be as close as thieves. We went to lectures together, we went out for lunch together, we even wrote exams together. I loved having their company and they had been my biggest supporters when “he who will not be named” broke up with me.
But apparently, one romantic question was enough to change that. Somehow, Tunde had had a crush on Andrea since we were freshmen. And I guess he had wanted to wait and be sure they were close and all that before making a move. So, was I a pawn in his elaborate scheme? Had I always been the third wheel and just to blind to see? Now, we’ll never know.
“This was such a good idea babe,” Andrea said as she placed another spoon of ice cream in her mouth. We had aced the dreaded contract law test and were treating ourselves to some ColdStone ice cream. I felt more like a spectator than an actual participant in the outing though.
“Thanks, my princess.” Tunde said, and I rolled my eyes. God abeg.
“You have a little something down there.” He said, pointing to an area of his chin.
“Over here, babe?” Andrea asked, pointing to the wrong place on purpose. On purpose, because I was convinced that she had eyes, and God had given them to us so we could see.
“Let me get it for you.” Tunde said. He reached over with a napkin and dabbed her cheek, and I just felt the annoyance surge through me like electrical current. They made eye contact and did all that rubbish, and in my mind, I was like “you might as well get her laid right here, on the table.”
Rubbish people. Or maybe I’m just a jealous person, I don’t even know at this point. I just decided to mind my own business and scroll through my phone.
And that brings me to my last point. People in relationships will do anything they can to rub their bloody luck in our faces.
I just keep hoping that I wasn’t like this with my ex when I was still off the market because Omo. It’s like everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, there’s a happy couple or at least what looks like it. People are holding hands, hugging intimately, flirting openly, kissing as if the whole campus is their bedroom and it just makes me so angry. Yes, I’m a big, fat, hater. Deal with it.
We were approaching exam season. Like, first semester exam timetable was already out and the library was so overpacked, people have to sit in the lobby to read. And you and your useless girlfriend were standing by the stairs that led to the library, flirting your futures away. Friggin law students in white and black for that matter.
I walked past the stupid couple, trying not to make eye contact or anything. But I could hear snippets of their conversation as I passed and yeah, I just had to cringe. The girl was leaning on the handrail of the stairs, while the boy was standing in front of her. I trudged on, trying to ignore them.
“Hope you’ve been preparing for exams, love?” The boy asked, his dreads just as stupid looking as he was, “Make sure you pass well oh.”
“Awwwn, babeee.” She cooed, dramatically, “anything for you, my love.”
“Noooo!” I yelled internally. Fail nau, olodo. So, if he asks you to fail, is that what you will do? Because I don’t honestly understand. Look at her mouth, anything for you babe kee you there.
So, in conclusion, being single sucks. There are boys lined up in your dm but none of them fit your preference. You see couples everywhere, to the extent that the oppression starts to choke you. But you persevere, you know why? Because when it’s your turn, you’ll finally get to show them pepper!
Leave a Comment